This month I have felt like there is a target on my back. I have been in two different car accidents; neither was my fault. My neck and back ache. I'm dealing with three different insurance companies, one repair shop, one rental car agency, and one doctor.
The second crasher and her friends verbally assaulted me and laughed at my injuries. I yelled back at her and her posse and then burst into tears. Since this scene took place at night in the cold, I felt extra woe some and extra lonely.
The crappy news is that I was alone and lonely. The good news is that I was alone and am still managing to take care of myself by going to the doctor, handling the insurance information, and keeping track of the documentation. I was beginning to wonder if I even need other people (friends, partners, family). Sometimes I feel like saying, "To hell with you all."
I am in the trough of depression - blah.
Tomorrow I have two activities planned: one with a group of friends and another with a therapeutic drummer and certified aromatherapist. I'll be in a drumming circle with nice smelling oils in the room.
I am hoping that by doing these activities tomorrow, a wave will lift me out of the trough and onto it's crest where I WILL STAY.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Angry - Damn the Economy
Last night I became angrier and angrier because the longer I am without a full-time job, I have less and less money. The less money I have the less I can do. But what I am really angry about is that my far-away little ones are growing up, and I haven't been able to fly and visit them. I am angry I am missing their growing-up years.
Also, I am angry I cannot afford to buy a better home computer and the printer/scanner/copier to go with it. I am angry that I cannot afford to move to a better place.
I am angry I can't go on vacation.
Now, what do I do with anger?
Ideally, I take my anger and turn it into energy and start a company that takes off and makes me rich. Yep, I got money on my mind today. In my fantasy, I have the knowledge to do this and the hope that it all works out. At least I can take this anger and apply it to my job search.
You know, I hate my life right now, but I don't hate myself. I see myself as lacking some skills though. There's a fine difference. I am angry because other people have the good life and I do not. Therefore, what can I do to get a good life, to improve my situation?
I already went to college and do have various types of work experiences. Damn the economy!!!
Maybe I shouldn't say that. I think the economy has already been damned. Grow the economy!!!! Let the economy live and flourish!? How's that for positive thinking!
Also, I am angry I cannot afford to buy a better home computer and the printer/scanner/copier to go with it. I am angry that I cannot afford to move to a better place.
I am angry I can't go on vacation.
Now, what do I do with anger?
Ideally, I take my anger and turn it into energy and start a company that takes off and makes me rich. Yep, I got money on my mind today. In my fantasy, I have the knowledge to do this and the hope that it all works out. At least I can take this anger and apply it to my job search.
You know, I hate my life right now, but I don't hate myself. I see myself as lacking some skills though. There's a fine difference. I am angry because other people have the good life and I do not. Therefore, what can I do to get a good life, to improve my situation?
I already went to college and do have various types of work experiences. Damn the economy!!!
Maybe I shouldn't say that. I think the economy has already been damned. Grow the economy!!!! Let the economy live and flourish!? How's that for positive thinking!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Job Interview Follow-Up
I received a very nice rejection e-mail from my job interview. I kind of figured I would, so I didn't have my heart on the line and am not really disappointed. We never spoke of salary, so I don't know how much money I am not making.
The positive side is that I know I can speak confidently about my experience and my philosophy in this particular field. It was interesting to learn a little about this company and that particular industry. I am telling myself that I should not be afraid of job interviews because that one wasn't scary at all. I do need a job because money is a big problem, rather it is the lack of money that is a big problem.
It would be nice to go on more interviews. Kind of. Okay, I'd rather not go on interviews, but if that is what it takes to get a job then that is what I must do. After all, an interview is just two people checking each other out. I am interviewing them, the company, and its culture as much as they are interviewing me. I wouldn't want to work in a place that isn't a good fit as they say.
I just need one job where I fit, where I can thrive, where I can earn money. Just one.
I felt darn good talking about my accomplishments.
THAT's what I liked about the interview.
The positive side is that I know I can speak confidently about my experience and my philosophy in this particular field. It was interesting to learn a little about this company and that particular industry. I am telling myself that I should not be afraid of job interviews because that one wasn't scary at all. I do need a job because money is a big problem, rather it is the lack of money that is a big problem.
It would be nice to go on more interviews. Kind of. Okay, I'd rather not go on interviews, but if that is what it takes to get a job then that is what I must do. After all, an interview is just two people checking each other out. I am interviewing them, the company, and its culture as much as they are interviewing me. I wouldn't want to work in a place that isn't a good fit as they say.
I just need one job where I fit, where I can thrive, where I can earn money. Just one.
I felt darn good talking about my accomplishments.
THAT's what I liked about the interview.
Car Crash, Cost of Pain, and HIPAA
Yes, I was in a car crash. Yes, I'm "fine." Not really. I am suffering from whiplash and getting treatment from my chiropractor. I'm not disabled, but I am limited in the activities I can do. I don't have any broken bones. My daily activities are limited though.
A woman backed her truck into my car and give me quite a jolt. A representative from her insurance company (Company P.) came out this morning with some paperwork. Once I am fully recovered, Company P. and I will negotiate the settlement for Inconvenience and Pain. That is on top of Company P. will pay for repairs to my car and my medical treatment and lost wages for the one day I missed work. How much is my pain and inconvenience worth?
When people receive settlements for pain (on top of medical expenses), does it make the person feel better? What about wrongful death claims? On top of money for dependents and burial costs, how much does it cost to get rid of the grief? How much is a life worth? Money doesn't make the person come back.
How much is my inconvenience worth? How much money will it take for my aggravation to go away? Oh, I'm not injured enough or emotionally damaged enough for a million dollar settlement though if they offered it to me, I wouldn't turn it down. I'm reasonable, but I don't want to be taken for a ride either.
Company P. wants me to sign a medical info release form, so they can pay the chiropractor. Okay. But the release gives them rights to any records due to substance abuse, mental health and psychological testing, HIV tests, AIDS tests, and sexually transmitted diseases. I don't think so. I don't have a record of substance abuse, I don't have the HIV virus, I don't have sexually transmitted diseases. However, why should Company P. know that? None of that is relevant to the sore muscles and a few bones out of joint. I'm just going to cross that line out of the form and see what happens.
There may be HIPAA laws, but there really isn't a lot of privacy. Check out HIPAA.
A woman backed her truck into my car and give me quite a jolt. A representative from her insurance company (Company P.) came out this morning with some paperwork. Once I am fully recovered, Company P. and I will negotiate the settlement for Inconvenience and Pain. That is on top of Company P. will pay for repairs to my car and my medical treatment and lost wages for the one day I missed work. How much is my pain and inconvenience worth?
When people receive settlements for pain (on top of medical expenses), does it make the person feel better? What about wrongful death claims? On top of money for dependents and burial costs, how much does it cost to get rid of the grief? How much is a life worth? Money doesn't make the person come back.
How much is my inconvenience worth? How much money will it take for my aggravation to go away? Oh, I'm not injured enough or emotionally damaged enough for a million dollar settlement though if they offered it to me, I wouldn't turn it down. I'm reasonable, but I don't want to be taken for a ride either.
Company P. wants me to sign a medical info release form, so they can pay the chiropractor. Okay. But the release gives them rights to any records due to substance abuse, mental health and psychological testing, HIV tests, AIDS tests, and sexually transmitted diseases. I don't think so. I don't have a record of substance abuse, I don't have the HIV virus, I don't have sexually transmitted diseases. However, why should Company P. know that? None of that is relevant to the sore muscles and a few bones out of joint. I'm just going to cross that line out of the form and see what happens.
There may be HIPAA laws, but there really isn't a lot of privacy. Check out HIPAA.
Found the Hat
I found my hat (in the lost and found box). By the time I found it, I wasn't missing it too much.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Fixation on Missing Hat
I felt a little off center yesterday. It started when I used the lavender scented body scrub in the shower. The smell was a little too chemical-y for me. When I first rec'd this gift, I liked the smell.
Then I did not do my laundry or dishes, so my home was a little too messy. Also, I hadn't gone grocery shopping, so on the way to my part-time job I went through the drive-through and bought a milkshake. Stopping for this purchase made me just a bit late/or just-in- time depending on your point of view. I'm suppose to arrive at work 15 minutes early just in case and to sign-in. I arrived just-in-time to work with the children. The supervisor was frantic on the phone with the director because I had not shown up. Then she saw me, told the director I had arrived, and hung up the phone.
The supervisor told me to call the director later. I didn't call him because I don't feel like hearing him tell me to arrive 15 minutes early. He's such a scatterbrain anyway, I'm hoping he'll forget. Also, I'm annoyed he did send me all the materials I do need. Eventually, I'll need to contact him.
The kids misbehaved and were very snotty and rude. I just don't have the patience for this particular age group.
Afterwards, I was late getting out of there because I had to clean up the materials. So there!
When I stopped for gas, I realized I lost my hat or left my hat behind. Damn! That annoyed me most of all. It's a new hat, and I really, really like it for its warmth and design.
I also drove to a few stores looking for a new hat, but there weren't any I like. Damn again. It was snowing, and the streets were slick.
Once home, I realized I had not had any protein or a real meal all day. Nor did I have anything of substance in the house.
I watched a true life murder story and was glad when I went to bed.
Even though I took my trazadone (sp?), I kept waking up thinking about the damn hat.
This morning, I bought a few groceries and a crappy, cheap new hat.
I feel somewhat better and am trying not to think of missing hat, but am not succeeding. The hat made me happy. It really did. It was warm, comfy, and cute and did not slide off my head. I'm just irritated at self. I hope when I go to the school next week, it'll be in the lost and found box.
I found the phone number of the store and will call to see if they have another they can ship me. Hopefully, I can describe the hat well and they have another in stock.
I can't believe I'm fixated on my $12.50 hat. But, damn, it's cold outside! The wind chill is below zero.
Ever lose something that you just can't get over?? People have lost a lot more, so I shouldn't be upset. But I am upset. It's stupid to be fixated on my hat, but I can't help it.
P.S. I'm not sure why there's a blank space in the photo.
Then I did not do my laundry or dishes, so my home was a little too messy. Also, I hadn't gone grocery shopping, so on the way to my part-time job I went through the drive-through and bought a milkshake. Stopping for this purchase made me just a bit late/or just-in- time depending on your point of view. I'm suppose to arrive at work 15 minutes early just in case and to sign-in. I arrived just-in-time to work with the children. The supervisor was frantic on the phone with the director because I had not shown up. Then she saw me, told the director I had arrived, and hung up the phone.
The supervisor told me to call the director later. I didn't call him because I don't feel like hearing him tell me to arrive 15 minutes early. He's such a scatterbrain anyway, I'm hoping he'll forget. Also, I'm annoyed he did send me all the materials I do need. Eventually, I'll need to contact him.
The kids misbehaved and were very snotty and rude. I just don't have the patience for this particular age group.
Afterwards, I was late getting out of there because I had to clean up the materials. So there!
When I stopped for gas, I realized I lost my hat or left my hat behind. Damn! That annoyed me most of all. It's a new hat, and I really, really like it for its warmth and design.
I also drove to a few stores looking for a new hat, but there weren't any I like. Damn again. It was snowing, and the streets were slick.
Once home, I realized I had not had any protein or a real meal all day. Nor did I have anything of substance in the house.
I watched a true life murder story and was glad when I went to bed.
Even though I took my trazadone (sp?), I kept waking up thinking about the damn hat.This morning, I bought a few groceries and a crappy, cheap new hat.
I feel somewhat better and am trying not to think of missing hat, but am not succeeding. The hat made me happy. It really did. It was warm, comfy, and cute and did not slide off my head. I'm just irritated at self. I hope when I go to the school next week, it'll be in the lost and found box.
I found the phone number of the store and will call to see if they have another they can ship me. Hopefully, I can describe the hat well and they have another in stock.
I can't believe I'm fixated on my $12.50 hat. But, damn, it's cold outside! The wind chill is below zero.
Ever lose something that you just can't get over?? People have lost a lot more, so I shouldn't be upset. But I am upset. It's stupid to be fixated on my hat, but I can't help it.
P.S. I'm not sure why there's a blank space in the photo.
Job Interview Resistance
I had a job interview Thursday morning and did NOT want to go. I thought about calling it off and was looking for ways to rationalize why I canceled the interview just in case anyone asked. Getting out of bed, completing the application, and getting ready was like running in water against a strong gush of wind.
I am so glad I went to the job interview. I felt very comfortable with the hiring manager and very comfortable talking about my experiences. When the interview was over, I was very surprised an entire hour had passed.
This past afternoon I have a great sense of accomplishment and relief. As a plus, the sun came out.
Right now, I am not concerned about getting the job. I am just happy I pushed myself and had a good interview. Sometimes events are better than expected.
And no, I don't look like anyone in the photo.
I am so glad I went to the job interview. I felt very comfortable with the hiring manager and very comfortable talking about my experiences. When the interview was over, I was very surprised an entire hour had passed.
This past afternoon I have a great sense of accomplishment and relief. As a plus, the sun came out.
Right now, I am not concerned about getting the job. I am just happy I pushed myself and had a good interview. Sometimes events are better than expected.
And no, I don't look like anyone in the photo.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Have a Good Day
And it wouldn't hurt to smile at someone else.
When I've been really down and out and sad, every once in a while I would smile in the mirror just to see if my mouth was capable of smiling.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Daily Anxiety - Cut the Commute
Creating Our Own Anxiety
Today's posting is right out of Meditations for People Who Worry (copyright 1996) by Anne Wilson Schaef.
" If anxiety has truly become natural, maybe this should be a clue that it is time to do something differently as we approach the twenty-first century.. . . We have designed our lives and our societies in such a way to make our anxiety our reality.
What good news! If we are the one who have designed our lives and society - constructed the sets and created the drama - then we have the power to change them.
We are not just the victims of our situation. We are the creators of something new."
At this moment I can't think of a change I recently made in my life, but after I get off this computer, I'm going for a walk.
-Lita-
Being Creators Not Victims
"The natural role of twentieth-century man is anxiety." - Norman Mailer
" If anxiety has truly become natural, maybe this should be a clue that it is time to do something differently as we approach the twenty-first century.. . . We have designed our lives and our societies in such a way to make our anxiety our reality.
What good news! If we are the one who have designed our lives and society - constructed the sets and created the drama - then we have the power to change them.
We are not just the victims of our situation. We are the creators of something new."
At this moment I can't think of a change I recently made in my life, but after I get off this computer, I'm going for a walk.
-Lita-
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Sleeping is Wonderful
Just because I write this post doesn't mean that I don't want to drop out of my daily life sometimes. Last night I went to bed earlier than I usual. I slept for eight hours straight. I woke up at 7:00 am. Great!
I had a to-do list for this morning, and some of my tasks were to prepare for a job interview tomorrow. I got up at 7:00 and set my timer for 20 minutes because I wanted to do some hand sewing. I like to start the day doing something I like for just a little while. Really, I want to do something I like for the entire day.
I sewed for 20 minutes until the timer rang.
For another five minutes I sat there on my couch and thought about all my chores planned for this morning.
Ugh.
I also thought about when you go to work, you have to keep your eyes open ALL DAY LONG. Keeping my eyes open all day long sounded miserable. It sounded difficult.
Luckily (or unfortunately) I have a part-time job that I don't need to be at until 2:00 pm.
"Oh, heck," I said to myself, "I can take a 20 minute nap."
I set my timer and fell sideways on my couch.
The timer rang.
"Oh heck," I thought and grabbed my oblong quilted dog pillow. Cuddling the pillow to my chest, I went back to sleep.
About an hour later, I awoke, glanced at my watch, closed my eyes and thought, "I enjoy sleeping so much.
Sleeping is very pleasant. I could sleep all day."
And that is how I spent my morning: sleeping on my couch. It was delicious.
You know, when I purchased my couch, I made sure it was comfortable to nap on.
I'm dreading my job interview for tomorrow. When I dread something, I get a bit cranky. Besides the stress of the interview, I will have to dress up in a nice outfit and WEAR PANTYHOSE. Ugh.
Why can't I sleep through the interview?
Sweet dreams,
Lita
I had a to-do list for this morning, and some of my tasks were to prepare for a job interview tomorrow. I got up at 7:00 and set my timer for 20 minutes because I wanted to do some hand sewing. I like to start the day doing something I like for just a little while. Really, I want to do something I like for the entire day.
For another five minutes I sat there on my couch and thought about all my chores planned for this morning.
Ugh.
I also thought about when you go to work, you have to keep your eyes open ALL DAY LONG. Keeping my eyes open all day long sounded miserable. It sounded difficult.
Luckily (or unfortunately) I have a part-time job that I don't need to be at until 2:00 pm.
"Oh, heck," I said to myself, "I can take a 20 minute nap."
I set my timer and fell sideways on my couch.
The timer rang.
"Oh heck," I thought and grabbed my oblong quilted dog pillow. Cuddling the pillow to my chest, I went back to sleep.
About an hour later, I awoke, glanced at my watch, closed my eyes and thought, "I enjoy sleeping so much.
Sleeping is very pleasant. I could sleep all day."
And that is how I spent my morning: sleeping on my couch. It was delicious.
You know, when I purchased my couch, I made sure it was comfortable to nap on.
I'm dreading my job interview for tomorrow. When I dread something, I get a bit cranky. Besides the stress of the interview, I will have to dress up in a nice outfit and WEAR PANTYHOSE. Ugh.
Why can't I sleep through the interview?
Sweet dreams,
Lita
Tools for Job of Life
"Each is given a bag of tools,
A shapeless mass and a book of rules;
And each must make, ere life is flown,"
A stumbling block or a stepping stone. - R.L. Sharpe
"Who would try to nail boards together without a hammer or change a flat tire with a jack? To deny our need for tools would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? Yet many of us have trouble accepting that we need tools to repair our damaged self-esteem.
. . . .
Why do we resist the idea that spiritual work, like physical work, has its own set of tools? Reading, sharing, praying, attending our support group's meetings - these are the tools that help us do the job. They aren't optional niceties or crutches.
. . . .
My willingness to use the tools determines the outcome of the job."
Today's content comes from Believing in Myself by Larsen & Hegarty.
My words:
Use your tools.
What is one of your tools?
One of my tools is a walk outdoors.
A shapeless mass and a book of rules;
And each must make, ere life is flown,"
A stumbling block or a stepping stone. - R.L. Sharpe
"Who would try to nail boards together without a hammer or change a flat tire with a jack? To deny our need for tools would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? Yet many of us have trouble accepting that we need tools to repair our damaged self-esteem.
. . . .
Why do we resist the idea that spiritual work, like physical work, has its own set of tools? Reading, sharing, praying, attending our support group's meetings - these are the tools that help us do the job. They aren't optional niceties or crutches.
. . . .
My willingness to use the tools determines the outcome of the job."
Today's content comes from Believing in Myself by Larsen & Hegarty.
My words:
Use your tools.
What is one of your tools?
One of my tools is a walk outdoors.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Worthy Enough - Stop Your Suicide
Once upon a time, my self-esteem was SO low that I felt guilty for taking up space on this earth and breathing the air. Now when I look back, I see how stupid and irrational that thought was. Hey, I belong here and so do you.
In case you are feeling that crappy, know this:
You are worthy enough to be alive on this planet.
If you are suicidal, in the U.S, call 1-800-273-8255
1-800-273-TALK
Visit this website Suicide Prevention
In case you are feeling that crappy, know this:
You are worthy enough to be alive on this planet.
If you are suicidal, in the U.S, call 1-800-273-8255
1-800-273-TALK
Things Change for the Better - Fill Your Mind with Positive Thoughts
"Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope we know it." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"My life is filled with ups and downs. If today is a bad day -or this week is a bad week-I know it's not forever and that I will come through it."
I am so grateful for this book.
Honor and grieve your losses, but fill you mind with positive thoughts.
"My life is filled with ups and downs. If today is a bad day -or this week is a bad week-I know it's not forever and that I will come through it."
The content for this post is from the book The Daily Book of Positive Quotations by Linda Picone.
I rec'd this book as a Christmas gift from a friend I have not spoken to or seen for years. What a happy surprise for me. About once a year, we have an email exchange. We usually exchange birthday and Christmas cards. We just lost touch.
I am so grateful for this book.
Honor and grieve your losses, but fill you mind with positive thoughts.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Happy New Year! It's 2011
Happy New Year! Have Hope. Anything can happen and that means anything good can happen. You can do good too. Plus you can take actions that very well may lead to good results.
What did you learn last year about yourself? What did you learn last year about anything? What problems did you conquer? What problems went away just because time has passed. What days were fun and happy?
Think ahead! Imagine! Daydream! Wish yourself well! Say, "I will . . . "
Whom are you going to include in your life this year? Whom are you going to spend less time with because they are toxic, rude, disheartening, negative people?
Best wishes for health, wealth (so you may have the things you need), and healing. And always, I wish you times of contentment, peace, love, beauty, and rolling on the floor laughing.