Treading Water and CoDA

Another journal entry from September.

It’s been four weeks since J. died.

I’ve been depressed. I’ve been mourning. I’ve been wishing and dreaming. And I’ve been sewing. I’m tired, but am still treading water.

Today I was hit with the pangs of loneliness. How does this happen? Yesterday I was with my writing group and had fun browsing with two members/friends. Then I went to Chris’s read-through, and there were people there.  Of course I knew Chris and another person.

Friday night I went to someone’s CoDA meeting, and it was overwhelming and pressurized at one hand, and on the other hand I wanted to be happy with the happy people there. But when I got home I was irritable. I don’t want to be a 12-stepper person. I don’t want to self-analyze. I just want to have fun, have friends, dance in the street, seek new adventures, laugh, create, and laugh. Sitting around talking about shit isn’t fun. Saturday, woke up feeling better. I cleaned my kitchen floor and paid some bills and looked at my checkbook registers.

I rejected having another problem, and another label.

Went for a walk and sat on two benches. I got sprayed by the sprinkler, and kind of liked it.