and called the Warm Line here in Illinois. I fell into the depression pit. I have been sleeping late, taking naps to escape, crying alone, feeling a sharp pain in my chest, and feeling like stabbing myself.
I didn't stab myself because that sounds darn painful, and I try to avoid pain. Also, it would be bloody mess. Then I would have to call 911 because I would not want to die. And because I don't want to die, I did not try to kill myself.
Really, I wanted to stab myself to destroy myself because I wasn't liking myself that day. I want to change, so I like myself better. I want a different and better life, not the one I am living. I don't like my own reality. How much of my own sucky reality is from bad decisions (and did I know they were bad when I made them?), how much is my personality, and how much is just plain bad luck and the economy?
AAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
That was just me screaming out of frustration.
Another bad thing about being in the depression pit is that I was upset to wake up from my naps.
Yesterday I managed to go out for a 10 minute walk. There's hope.
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