Comments from Anonymous People

I welcome comments. I just changed the settings so that you can comment anonymously. Let me know how you are handling life, how you take care of yourself, and your stumbles (because we all have stumbles).

Problem Solving - Borrow Brains

I had a huge major money problem this past week. I need to find a way to get to work next week (a 45-minute drive) without my car. My car was in the shop with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars of repairs. I didn't have the money. I started brainstorming. I started calling up certain people who had extra cars or were going on vacation and asked to borrow their cars. They said no!

I asked other friends for ideas after explaining my problem. Some were able to give me a ride on one day but not another. Somewhere along the way I was crying feeling sorry for myself. But once I got that out of the system, I went back to brainstorming. I kept asking for ideas figuring several brains were better than my one brain.

After several hours of calling around, two people offered to lend them money. I did not ask them for a loan. They offered a loan to me. Whew! Okay, I said some prayers too.

The point is to reach out and ask if anyone has any ideas on how to solve this problem. Because other people aren't caught up in their emotions, they are able to think more clearly. Someone may know something you may not know.

Hopefully, that was my last problem for 2010! My head was so exhausted afterwards that I went to bed early.

I hope you enjoy these last few days of 2010!

Lita

Wrapping Paper and Ribbons - Choosing a New Package

On December 23, I had an appointment with Dr. K, my psychiatrist. I told him I was spending Christmas with friends, and I had no expectations. He said one shouldn't have expectations, and that there is too much hoopla ahead of time causing a great build-up. I know Dr. K. is a Christian, and I like the fact that he says there's too much hoopla because that's not the meaning of Christmas. It was the usual seven minute appointment or maybe eight minutes.

My friend drove me to the appointment and noticed there were a lot of people in the waiting room especially in the evening. I told her it was a large practice with several psychiatrists and many, many counselors. People were probably stressed due to the upcoming Christmas. I use to be that way.

On the 24th, I went to Christmas Vigil Mass. That is the real reason for Christmas. Jesus came as promised and gave us everlasting life. No reason to be bummed out about that! It was a joyous experience.

On the 25th I went to my friends' house and laughed and eat all through the day. You see, I finally got the determination and guts to not spend it with my relatives who are often gray and stormy. I decided for one year to buck tradition. I decided to celebrate with friends. All I knew was that there was going to a brunch. Not knowing what to expect, I didn't expect anything.

This Christmas was a world of difference. The people were light after darkness. So refreshed was I by the different venue, the different people (mostly my age), the different food, and different routine that I wanted to . . . well . . . sing. There was a big giant shiny bow around my shiny, merry Christmas Day. And it happened because I chose to try a new experience.

Broken Objects and the Value of a Walk

My printer/copier/scanner broke, and I still haven't bought a new one. My car broke down, and I can't afford to pay for repairs right now. Both broken things have caused inconveniences and strain on my budget. Yet, I maintained an okay mood. In years past, I would think my whole LIFE was breaking down, and God found me unworthy. I still think I am worthy of living and realize the car and the printer were not personally attacking me, neither was God or the universe attacking me. In this way I have grown and healed.

 I went to a party with my friends who gave me a ride. And even though I am without car, printer, ipod, ipad, ithingamajiggy, camera, and a few other techno goodies, my friends still LIKE me.

However, my part-time job caused me great anxiety, and so did my parent. Both the management of the job and the parent lack planning. The job kept making demands that I couldn't meet because management did not provide me with tools. I keep knocking on management's doors, and they are starting to respond. The parent acts upon feelings and not intellect. Finally, parent listened to reason once he settled down.

So, I had some sleepless nights and chest pains. Hello, Xanax! A wise person hearing my complaints reminded me to take care of myself in whatever form I need too. DUH! So I made time to talk, to act, and to go for a walk. I enjoyed my walk in the cold, and turned that anxiety into energy to propel myself around the neighborhood. Also, I made myself some good hearty oatmeal with protein power sprinkled in plus brown sugar.

It's way too easy to get caught up with the stresses of life to neglect ourselves. The reality is that every day I require self-care.

In other news, I sewed three tote bags without a pattern and used up some fabric. The bags look experimental because they are. I learned some sewing techniques by trial and error. Sewing was rather addicting to me and distracted me from my lack of funds.

Action is the prescription of the day.

Spiritual Affirmations by Philip St. Romain

Spiritual Affirmations

1. If God is for me, who can be against me?
2. I am lovable and acceptable because I exist – because God is choosing to love me into existence in this now-moment, and “God doesn’t make junk.
3. I know how to do many things that can contribute to the improvement of the human community. If I do not share my giftedness, it will be missed by others.
4. I do not judge myself as a bad person when I make mistakes or deviate from a social norm.
5. I do not judge myself as a bad person when I hut another with my behavior. I take responsibility for my behavior and make amends.
6. It is unreasonable for me to expect perfection of myself. I will do the best I can, and that is all that God expects.
7. I accept my physical appearance. If others reject me on t his basis, it is not because I am unlovable but because they are comparing my appearance to a social norm propagated largely by the media.
8. I accept all of my feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, knowing that I am more than my feelings. Feelings come and go. They do not reveal to me my true worth as a person. I do not define myself on the basis of my feelings but on my faith-convictions.
9. Other people have judged me and mistreated me, and this has affected my view of myself. I am more than what others have told me I am, so I do not accept their judgments of me.
10. I forgive everyone everything they have done that has hurt me, for I know that holding on to hurt and resentment will keep me from growing to be the person God created me to be.
11. I take responsibility for meeting my own needs in a moral and loving matter. It is not someone else’s responsibility to meet my needs.
12. I am in doubt about my beauty and worth. I ask God to help me to see and know myself as God sees and knows me.
13. Right now, I am where I should be in life. I have learned many lessons and have many more to learn. That is life: learning and growing. It is good for me to be here in life.
14. Right now, I have everything I need to be as happy as it is possible for me to be in this life. Therefore, I renounce the idea that my present circumstances are inadequate for happiness, that I need more of something or another, or that I need less of something or another. Happiness is an attitude, not an acquisition. In gratitude to God, I accept myself and my life just as they are.

From Handbook for Spiritual Growth by Philip St. Romain

Books by Philip St. Romain

Personal Bill of Rights by Edmund J. Bourne, PhD

 Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive and negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love,
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say, “I’m afraid.”
14. I have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.

From The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, PhD
Books by Edmund J. Bourne 

Dropping the Label

For the longest time I had PTSD from a bad crash I suffered when I was twelve. It had a profound negative effect on my life. In my late-20s, my therapist at the time diagnosed me with PTSD. No wonder I was an anxious mess of self-hatred! I read  I Can't Get Over It by Aphrodite Matsakis. It explained A LOT. It just explained about everything. It took another five or six years before I finally met up with a psychiatrist and started taking the necessary medications. But up until the time I met the psychiatrist, I tried every relaxation and coping mechanism out there. They just didn't work, but I did try.

Now that I have been taking meds for ten years now and identified my triggers until I was down to one trigger: I startle, jump, swear, get panicy, get angry with sudden loud noises. A few months ago, I was driving along a busy road when I heard a firecracker go off. BOOM! I was so shocked because I thought my entire village was being bombed that I swerved into the oncoming lane. Thankfully I swerved back into my own lane just as fast before getting into a head-on collision. Whew!

I heard two sudden loud noises in the past two weeks and . . .

I just looked around and wondered, "Hm, wonder what that noise was?"

I did NOT jump, I did NOT startle, I did NOT get scared, I did NOT panic, I did NOT assume the world was ending or that I was in danger. My heart did NOT race. I did NOT get angry.

Am I finally healed from PTSD? I think so. I am going to stop telling people in mental health circles that I have PTSD. Besides I keep getting the initials mixed up: PSDT or PDTS, or PSTD.

Sunlight Lamp is Wonderful

This fall I have really started to use my sunlight lamp a lot more than I did in previous winters. I am finding that increased use has helped keep the grey and dark skies from turning into a grey and dark mood. If you haven't heard of these lamps, check out information on treating SAD (seasonal affective disorder). SAD info usually contains information about light therapy.

When Anti-depressents Work and Why We Need Them in America

Today a friend wanted to know why so many people in our culture take anti-depressants. She also wanted to know what it's like taking anti-depressants. She moved here from India about three years ago.

WARNING: The following paragraph in brown may bum you out: 

I think so many people in our culture take anti-depressants because we value success, gadgets, money, appearances of our front lawns, and not our humanity. People are rude and mean, and there's much hustle and bustle. We kill each other a lot, especially in urban areas. Jobs are scarce. We kill unborn babies. There are many options and choices here in the U.S. that picking out the type of Cheerios becomes a major summit meeting in the mind. Also having to drive in a community with many stoplights, cars, and idiot drivers is enough to make me want to stay in bed - sometimes. It's can be overwhelming.

PINK is Happy.

The first sign I had that my anti-depressants were taking effect for the good was wanting to dance to rock music when I heard it on the radio.  Hearing the B-52's singing Love Shack on the way over to the library got my blood flowing, made me feel youthful and lively, and made me want to dance and celebrate life.

How did you know your anti-depressants were starting to help you?

What factor of American life would you eliminate to create a happier you? Or rather, what factor of American life (if you live in America) caused you to "go over the edge?" I have to think of that answer myself.

Popping Pills as Prescribed

One obvious way of taking care of yourself is being compliant with your medicine, to take your medicine as it is prescribed. Along with complying, one must remember to refill your prescriptions. Oops. I forgot to do that.

Yesterday morning I told myself to call in a refill for trazodone (sp?), which I take to sleep. One thing I like about it is that it's non-addicting. I called in a refill. But I forgot to pick it up. It was around midnight when I was ready to go to bed. I had been in my pajamas for hours. Since the pharmacy has a drive-thru window, I could have just thrown on some shoes (or even slippers) and a coat and no one would notice the pajamas. But it was cold out. And late.

I went to bed without taking my medicine. Oh did I toss and turn. Then I turned and tossed. Then I dozed. Then I woke up. Dozed. Woke up. I turned some more. Went to the bathroom. I tossed my blankets about. My room was too hot then it was too cold. I fell asleep and woke up with a start for no reason.

Now I feel cranky like a bear with a sore paw. Grrrrrrrrr! Grrrrrrrrr! Writing this I just realized I could have taken some of the OTC melontomin (sp?), which my doctor recommended. Maybe I would have turned a little less and slept a little  more.

It's going to be a long day. But it's only a day.

While it's on your mind, make sure you get your refills filled. Do it now.

An Ex has a New Girlfriend

I wrote the following to my friend in the late summer. And so far I have been okay. I've been taking care of myself and feeling not-devastated. Plus, I have done what I said I would. I'm pretty sure I laughed on Thanksgiving.

 

I will not be devastated about ex. I will cry some more. I will be angry some more.

I will wear my retainers more. I will walk or exercise when I can. I will work on finding a job. I will work on my throw pillows or scrap booking. I will read books I enjoy.

I will cry some more. I will be angry some more. I will learn the lessons from this situation. I will remember the good times and be thankful for them.

I will cry some more. I will be angry some more. But I will live and be grateful for whatever I have. I will remember Janice.

I will go back in two weeks for another blood test because I’m still anemic, per the doctor. I will take care of myself. I will be sad. But I will laugh again.

Treading Water and CoDA

Another journal entry from September.

It’s been four weeks since J. died.

I’ve been depressed. I’ve been mourning. I’ve been wishing and dreaming. And I’ve been sewing. I’m tired, but am still treading water.

Today I was hit with the pangs of loneliness. How does this happen? Yesterday I was with my writing group and had fun browsing with two members/friends. Then I went to Chris’s read-through, and there were people there.  Of course I knew Chris and another person.

Friday night I went to someone’s CoDA meeting, and it was overwhelming and pressurized at one hand, and on the other hand I wanted to be happy with the happy people there. But when I got home I was irritable. I don’t want to be a 12-stepper person. I don’t want to self-analyze. I just want to have fun, have friends, dance in the street, seek new adventures, laugh, create, and laugh. Sitting around talking about shit isn’t fun. Saturday, woke up feeling better. I cleaned my kitchen floor and paid some bills and looked at my checkbook registers.

I rejected having another problem, and another label.

Went for a walk and sat on two benches. I got sprayed by the sprinkler, and kind of liked it.

A Disappointing Day

Here's a journal entry from a month ago or so:

1) I cried that my friend died.

2) I took myself for a walk to remind myself that I am important.

3) I am disappointed because another friend let me down again and canceled out. She said I could go over there tomorrow at four.

4) I rec’d a postcard today that says all human relationships are incomplete, and to go to God instead. This postcard helped me readjust my expectations.  You should know that several days ago I mailed that very postcard to myself. When it arrived in the mail today, I forgot that I sent it. It was a little nice surprise.

Rub it In Because I’ve Got Boyfriend Issues

Spoke with my friend a few weeks ago, and when she was going on and on and on about her wonderful boyfriend, I got that sharp pain in my heart. It hurt, it made me angry, it made me hate myself, and I was super jealous. I hate that I automatically have that reaction. Do you have any ideas on how not to have that reaction?

Talking to Myself

A few weeks ago, I was on the way to a friend’s house. But before I left home, I started to get anxious. I took a half Xanax, the wonder drug. (Too much Xanax and that’s driving under the influence. Maybe a little Xanax is driving under the influence too. Check the traffic laws).

On the expressway I became very queasy, and the heavy traffic and construction only made the normally short drive long and stressful. I thought I was going to throw up. Also I realized that I haven’t taken one of my meds for a few days because I ran out and had a cash stoppage (opposite of cash flow). However my unemployment money that day, so I called in a refill. I had not picked up my refill.

When I got there I had to use the bathroom RIGHT AWAY. When I was in the bathroom I spoke sternly to my nervous system as if my nerves were little whiny spoiled children who need a smack on the butt, and I was the adult authority figure (actually I am an adult and in charge of self). This is what I said (but not aloud).

“Brain, I realized you are flipping out because you don’t have those drug chemicals that you like. Well, just calm down. I know you like those chemicals, but you will be fine without them. Just shut up, sit down, be quiet, and behave! You’ll have the drug first thing in the morning. You are fine right now. Nothing bad is going to happen. Put up with the discomfort and deal with it.”

Then I spoke to my stomach.

“Stomach, I know you are all upset and you’re nervous and acids are reacting and fussing due to that sympathetic nervous system [or whatever, but the stomach is stupid and doesn’t know if I am using the right medical terms]. You are fine. The drug chemicals will be delivered in the morning. In the mean time, cut out this nonsense. Calm down and everything will be fine.”

Then I spoke a bit nicer to both brain and stomach to reassure them.

“Brain and Stomach, I took a half of Xanax that will kick in shortly. That will take the edge off. You are fine. You will be fine.”

I left the bathroom.

I drank a Sprite to be kind to tummy. Also she served some stewed or cooked apples with brown sugar. Now that is a comfort food! 

And that was that. I was fine. For once, self-talk worked for me. Okay, I was successful and proud of it.

My Birthday was Great . . .

because I made it so.

When I got up, I opened the envelopes that I received last week. I opened the gifts I bought myself. I wore my new clothes and felt fresh and new. I went to my new part-time job. When I came home, I used a $2.00 brownie mix with chocolate frosting and made myself a pan of brownies. I read my birthday greetings that came via email and Facebook. I took half the pan of brownies to my dad's house. We ate brownies. He gave me a beautiful birthday card (and a check). My godmother tracked me down at my dad's and wished me happy birthday. Dad and and I watched our favorite t.v. shows. Then when I went home, I listened to the birthday message on my answering machine that my godmother left. I went to bed feeling all warm and chocolate-ly inside.

The next day I went to my job club meeting and told everyone I just turned 35, and they believed me! Then I told them my real age.

 

Welcome to the Sunshine and My Blog

Welcome to my brand-new blog.

My lovely psychologist suggested I start this blog because I put some helpful articles in her waiting room. She said her other patients/clients really like it and said I should start a blog. So here I am.

Welcome fellow patients! Welcome people with similar diagnosis! Welcome everyone who is interested in the subject of mood disorders.


I am in recovery from major depressive disorder, PSTD, and generalized anxiety. I am interested in moving on and upward, not staying in the valley. Though sometimes I end up in the valley, I am getting better at getting out of there sooner than later.

Who am I? I am a single woman on the eve of my 45th birthday. And I am worried that I will be celebrating alone tomorrow. You see, besides being single I have no siblings, no boyfriend, no children (because I am not married). My mother is deceased. I have one father who is not big on birthdays like the way I am big on birthdays.

Last year a very good friend of mine, Janice, took me out for a leisurely pizza lunch at Lou Malnati's on my birthday (which was on a Sunday). We giggled and had much girl talk to talk about. Though Janice was married, she had no children either, so we had that in common. I can't remember what she gave me as a gift. Well, no Janice this year. My good friend Janice died this past August at the age of 46. And I write this with tears in my eyes.

I do have other friends, but one person cannot replace another. In fact last Saturday, two of my friends took me out to for a steak dinner and gave me wonderful gifts. It's not like I'm forgotten. I am just tired of being alone.

Today it's sunny with temps just above freezing. I will leave this library and go for a walk. I take myself for walks, which is how I take care of myself. Taking myself for walks is how I show me that I am worthwhile and important. Today, go stick your head outside. A walk would be great, but if you go outside for fresh air, you will be revived momentarily if not longer. And if the sun's out, soak up that necessary Vitamin D and be in the sunshine. Shine, shine, shine whenever you can. We've spent way too many hours in darkness. Grab the sunshine when you can.

Lita