Partnership with Doctor

Today in my support group we spoke how important it is to speak honestly with our doctor especially if we're skipping our medicine. The doctor is on "our team," but needs the right sports equipment. His equipment is the info we give him regarding compliance and side effects.

Volunteer Work

I've been doing a little bit of volunteer work to get me out of the house and to focus my mind on something constructive. Now, I've been invited to a thank-you banquet for one organization. Yipee!

Zoloft is Working

I am happy to say that Zoloft is doing what it is suppose to, and I am able to easily push away obsessive negative thoughts. All that weight I gained from taking Abilify is gone.

Water Exercise

I found another wonderful thing to do for my mind and body: exercising in the water. My local park district has water exercises classes, and they are so much fun. Splish, Splash. Plus they play music too. Exercising in the water seems to be a lot easier than exercising out of the water.

Telling You What to Do, Friend

The other evening, one of my friends who has a depressive disorder was crying about her depression and her life. I heard her. I've been there, and sometimes I feel like I still am.

Here are some things I would have liked to tell her had she been in a listening mood:

1) Stop drinking alcohol. You are not suppose to drink it with your medicine, and alcohol is a depressant in the long run.

2) Get some hobbies. Drinking is not a hobby.  Explore some activities at the park district, or take a continuing ed class.

3) Take a parenting class of some sort. Your ten-year old is ramping up for life of juvenile deliquency. Learn how to discipline and set limits before it's too late. Also learn something about children in this age group, and what they need.

4) Learn some assertiveness skills for the adults who live in your house and don't respect you.

Yoga

Last night I went to my second yoga class. I felt great leaving, and today my body is SO relaxed. I feel so good.

149 pounds

That's how much I weight now.

More importantly I had a great weekend spent with friends going out with them for ice cream, for mini golf, for meals. I wish every Saturday was just as fun and friend filled.

Looking for Trouble

Today's post is from Meditations for People Who Worry by Anne Wilson Schaef.

"Whenever  we look for trouble, we are sure to find it. If it has already happened, we can't change it anyway. If it is happening right now, we'd better just get busy and deal with it and not take the luxury of worrying about it. And, if it may happen in the future, we might as well relax, deal with today, and see what happens. This can certainly keep us occupied enough without having to borrow trouble and having to pay interest on it it."

Lost Two pounds

I'm down to 150 pounds. I feel skinnier already. Ha.

My mind is calming down too.

Adios Abilify, Hello Zoloft

My doctor cut out the Abilify. He switched me over to Zoloft to stop the weight gain. Also the Zoloft is to stop all the negative obsessive thinking in my mind.

I felt better having the script for Zoloft in my hand. I feel better having taken just one. The power of suggestion is really strong.

Weight Gain Way to Go

Yesterday I hit a high of 152 pounds. I am turning down food, so I feel like I have mastery over the darn activity. I wonder if Abilify effects the way one's body uses or stores energy besides increasing appetite. I'm no doctor or pharmacist, but I'll be seeing my doctor tomorrow.

The drug should be called Appetitify. The damn thing. Plus my anxiety is INCREASING. I've had to take 1/2 Xanax every few days.

Today I told myself that I'm practicing distorted thinking. The Xanax makes me sleepy. What kind of life am I leading?

Yesterday I went to my first real yoga class and enjoy it. It's the first time I heard an exercise teacher tell you not to be in pain. Don't do it if it hurts. Modify as needed.

iPod

I'm still on Abilify. I continue to exercise, mostly be going for walks. I have a brand new ipod, and walks are a lot more enjoyable now that I have musical company. Also, I have a handle on my eating. I think. I hit the high weight (for me) of 148 pounds. Like gas prices, the weight goes up quickly and comes back down slowly.

I'll keep weighing myself every few days and post my progress. So far I'm still squeezing into my clothes, but I would rather not squeeze.

Friend or Enemy?

I'm gaining weight while on this Abilify. After getting on the scale this morning, I cried. I also have A LOT more energy that makes me want to exercise. Sometimes I do a set of 10 jumping jacks just for the fun of it, and I pretty much hate exercising. Do I stay on this Abilify or do I ditch it and place a call to my psychiatrist?

Visualization is an Ice Cream Cone

I did a visualization exercise with Dr. Miller on Thursday. She did the talking, and I did the imagining with my eyes closed. It was like giving an ice cream cone to my hot, tired brain. I recommend this technique. She was very realistic and didn't leave out the steps involving the hard crucial work. But my hands are usually sticky from the melting ice cream when I do eat a real ice cream cone, so I'd expect visualization to involve some stickiness too.

Harriet Beecher Stowe Quote

Here's a quote from Harriet Beecher Stowe: "When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

I found this quote on a box of tea.

My Beautiful Broken Shell

My Beautiful Broken Shell: Words of Hope to Refresh the Soul by Carol Hamblet Adams. I bought this book this past week as a gift to myself. It's for those of us who need to know we are lovable despite our
imperfections (that we all have for because we're human). Even if our souls feel broken or damaged, we are still beautiful and grateful for us. The illustrations are just as refreshing as the text.

I bought this book at a Christian book store.

On the Edge of Darkness

On the Edge of Darkness: Conversations about Conquering Depression by Kathy Cronkite. My very first psychiatrist on my very first office visit assigned this book for reading . He was a psychiatrist who was really into educating his patient. I am grateful he told me about this book. Famous people tell their stories about depression and bipolar disease. Doctors are contributors too as are family members.

Verbally Abusive Relationship

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. My copy is copyrighted in 1992. It's geared to those in romantic relationships, but I just mentally crossed out words referring to spouse or partner
and replaced it with parent or boss. I wondered if the author was spying on my family of origin.

One up, one down, one gone

My Abilify has been doubled. My Cymbalta decreased. My Wellbutrin is gone. That's on doctor's orders of course. I'm glad the tingling is mostly gone. Going through drug transistion is not easy, but I know it is only temporary. Someday I'll be stable.

Abilify is Buzzing

Last week I went out every evening after work. That's new for me. I even signed up for dance lessons. The side effect is that my nerves are buzzing and I'm shaking, shaking, shaking. On Thursday I saw Dr. Kuo my psychiatrist. He lowered the dosage of my Wellbutrin XL and my Cymbalta. Thank goodness. I will see him once more this month.

I wondered if I could cut my 300 mg of Wellbutrin XL in half since I am now on 150 mg. I called the pharmacists, and she said no. The formula of the XL would be negated and I would experience side effects if I cut it in half. I am so glad I called the pharmacist. I went ahead and had my script filled 150 mg. Call your doctor or pharmacist is you're thinking of messing around with medicine.

Abilify is Working

My Abilify has started working. Life and I aren't really great right now, but at least I'm not sleeping my days away.

Abilify

Hi,

I had to call my psychiatrist who prescribed Abilify. I hope it's a temporary thing. The co-pay is $100. How about giving me some placebos for $5.00? 

Dear Japan

I love you! I visited your beautiful country twice, and it pains me to see you suffering. I wish I could visit you and give you hugs (how do you, dear Japanese people, feel about hugs?), pass out warm chocolate chip cookies, play games with your children, read stories to your children. I wish I could do crafts with you, so you can some way express what you're going through. I want to give you hope.

Should've Read My Own Blog

and called the Warm Line here in Illinois. I fell into the depression pit. I have been sleeping late, taking naps to escape, crying alone, feeling a sharp pain in my chest, and feeling like stabbing myself.

I didn't stab myself because that sounds darn painful, and I try to avoid pain. Also, it would be bloody mess. Then I would have to call 911 because I would not want to die. And because I don't want to die, I did not try to kill myself.

Really, I wanted to stab myself to destroy myself because I wasn't liking myself that day. I want to change, so I like myself better. I want a different and better life, not the one I am living. I don't like my own reality. How much of my own sucky reality is from bad decisions (and did I know they were bad when I made them?), how much is my personality, and how much is just plain bad luck and the economy?

AAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That was just me screaming out of frustration. 

Another bad thing about being in the depression pit is that I was upset to wake up from my naps.  

Yesterday I managed to go out for a 10 minute walk.  There's hope.

Requesting Hotlines or Helplines

If there is a helpline or hotline in your area to help depressed people or people with mental illness, then please let me know. It would be great if I could put together a directory.

Illinois Residents

 I love that they named this helpline as the Warm line. We all need some warm and friendly people.

This information is from my local chapter of NAMI:


Illinois Warm Line


The Illinois Mental Health Collaborative for Access and Choice is pleased to announce the
opening of the Warm Line for Peer and Family support by telephone!

The Warm Line is a new opportunity in Illinois for persons with mental health challenges and their families to receive support by phone. Peer and Family Support Specialists are professionals who have experienced mental health recovery in their own lives as an individual or family member. They have been trained in recovery support, mentoring, and advocacy and are ready to listen and help you. The warm line is not a crisis hotline, but is a source of support as you recover or help a family member to recover.

Call: 1 (866) 359-7953

TTY: 1 (866) 880-4459

Hours of Operation: Monday through Friday, 8am-5pm except holidays

From the main menu, select option #2 for Consumers and Families

Next, select option #5 for the Warm Line: Peer and Family Support by Phone.

For more information, Illinois Mental Health Collaborative website

Teacher Salaries

I went to college to become a teacher. It didn't quite work out that way. I worked in corporate American for a number of years, but that didn't work out thanks. I have been trying again to become a teacher. It's not working out this time either.

In Illinois teacher salaries are public record. I depressed myself when I looked up the salaries of my peers who obtained teaching jobs after college graduation and now have tenue. One earns $104,00 a year and the other earns $74,000 a year. I feel like a loser.

Sure, money isn't an indicator of self-worth but it is an indicator on how much you are worth in the marketplace. Right now I'm not worth anything. I am so discouraged and depressed and do not want to live the rest of life in poverty.

Never again do I want to hear my friends complain about how teaching is hard work. I know it is. And they are duly compensated and have job security.

Did I mention life is unfair? It certainly is. And maybe if we internalized that starting in babyhood, we wouldn't be a nation of whiners. Maybe I wouldn't be a whiner. But I am a whiner and hungry and behind on my rent and all that crap. So are a lot of people in America.


I just want to throw rocks through windows and jump up and down and yell and scream and bash things. I want to pay off my debts and not worry about meeting my monthly rent.

You know what. I am no longer going to listen to my teacher friends complain. That's what.

Backstabbers

Hi,

I have noticed a trend among abusive bosses, specifically my abusive bosses of the past. Most of them have been women. These managers first try to become very chummy with me by disclosing their most intimate details about their personal lives such as what method of birth control they are using. I've never, ever needed to know that information! Really, I don't need to know. Some of my real friends keep intimate details such as contraception to themselves. Those kind of conversations make me uncomfortable. Also I don't reciprocate with the same kind of information. After these managers act like I'm their new BFF, they find some way to abuse their authority over me. What's up with that behavior?


I'm friendly, but not that friendly, with my bosses. I follow directions and all that. I'm a good employee and know what I am doing. Mostly I try to be polite and professional.

My psychologist and one human resource director told me to tell these bitches (they didn't say bitches) that I don't want to continue having these conversations and that I am uncomfortable. Hopefully, my future bosses won't be backstabbers.

These types of managers are crazy and can make you feel like you're crazy. We're not crazy.
I've had episodes of paralyzing depression and anxiety and no self-esteem thanks to these idiots. And when I mean episodes I mean months and years of this shirt.

I am very curious about the whys of their behavior and I can undermine them.

Truthfully, I'd like to destroy THEIR careers, but I'm not that type of person. I let karma take care of those types of people.

Also, I want to be a person they are scared to reckon with, but I don't know how to do that.

Do you know of any tips of how to deal with abusive bosses.
I know you have crazy boss stories out there. Why not share them?

Lita

Here's the definition from dictionary.com.

backstabber

- 2 dictionary results

/ˈbækˌstæb/ Show Spelled–verb (used with object), -stabbed, -stab·bing.

to attempt to discredit (a person) by underhanded means, as innuendo, accusation, or the like.

Nutrition, Vitamins, Chocolate

I bought Caltrate (calcium and vitamin D) as my physician ordered. I still need to buy an additional vitamin-D supplement too, but I lost the paper on which I wrote how much vitamin-D.

I am still testing on the border of iron level is low-normal and anemic. I'm eating crap that I shouldn't. Actually I am eating a lot of chocolate cake. I can buy a nice piece of chocolate cake at Dominick's or Portillo's. Yum, yum. I have to eat healthier for my own sake. My OWN sake. My OWN health because it's good for me. It's a way to tell myself that I LOVE myself. The problem is that I do not like to cook. Not only I don't like to cook, but when I do, it comes out gross.

Today I looked at the NAMI newsletter that appeared in my inbox a few days ago. It's an entire article about eating well. Here's the article I cut and pasted:

Let’s dish about diet Junky foods and depression go hand-in-hand, so eating better just might lead to feeling better by Lynn Santa Lucia [excerpt from Let’s dish about diet]

Hippocrates, the father of Western medicine, said, ―Let your food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food.‖ That's not to say we can eat our way to mental health, but the opposite may be true: Recent findings suggest a connection between poor diet and depression. A five-year study of more than 3,000 middle-aged office workers in the United Kingdom and another looking at 1,046 Australian women came to similar conclusions: A diet rich in lean meat or fish, whole grains, fruits and vegetables was associated with a lower risk of depression or anxiety, while a junk-food diet—loaded with processed foods, sugary treats and saturated fats—correlated to higher rates of reported depression. Researchers are quick to caution that depression may lead to poor food choices rather than the other way around. Nor is diet alone a reliable way to treat depression. ―It’s difficult to make food recommendations in the case of depression and affective disorders because there are so many different underlying patterns that can be involved with these diagnoses,‖ says Simon N. Young, PhD, a psychiatry professor at Montreal’s McGill University whose research focuses on how diet affects brain function. ―Control of mood is not mediated just by one substance.‖ While there is no prescription for ―magic foods,‖ it can’t hurt to make healthier food choices day in and day out. ―I notice that if I eat too much unhealthy food in a given day, I don't feel good emotionally,‖ says Randi H., 58, of Daly City, California, who was diagnosed with depression in 1994. ―It takes very little change in diet or exercise, in a positive or in a negative way, to have an impact on my mood. ―Knowing that is a good thing,‖ she adds. ―It means it will take very little effort to make me feel good, and that I'm in control of that and it’s a choice I make every day.‖

Vitamins

My doctor took a blood test for Vitamin D levels, and the results show that I am highly deficient in Vitamin D. I'll be stopping by my local Walgreen's and getting some specific supplements per his instructions. I know I am eating a crappy diet. It's so easy to fall into the convenience of eating crap. Today I will make an effort to eat a fruit or vegetable. Change starts with baby steps.


I keep telling myself that I'll cook nutritious and wholesome meals once I have the kitchen of my dreams, but I know that is a stupid excuse.

Someday

I determined a look for this blog. Maybe I'll change the look seasonally. I don't know.

Good news: the air is warm today proving that someday spring will be here! 

You probably think I'm a weather girl because that's what I've been talking about here.

Library computer is kicking me off right now, but I'm not taking it personally.

Surprise Gifts & Bright Spots

Hi. I still have big problems in life, but it's the little bright spots that keep me going. For instance, I ordered something from etsy.com from a woman in a foreign country. When my package arrived, I found some surprises inside. Not only did she include the item I ordered, but she included another item for free, a necklace, and a book. Those items were gifts from her to me. She doesn't even know me, but felt like giving me some gifts. I was thrilled and quickly e-mailed her a big thank you.

Look for surprise gifts and appreciate them no matter how small they are.

What small (or big) surprise gifts have you received lately?

Lita

Happiness is a Warm Puppy by Charles Schulz

If you don't have this Peanuts bookor a warm puppy of your own to cuddle, scroll down. I've added the Daily Puppy gadget for your viewing pleasure.

Cuddle, cuddle. Huggy, huggy puppy.

The Sun is Out

Sure, it's very, very cold, but the sun came out. It always comes out eventually. The amount of energy I feel today is probably doubled compared to yesterday. The REAL sun is out, not the fake sun of my special lamp. Note to self: research whether or not I'm sitting in front of my sun lamp long enough.


Today my doctor ordered a blood test to see if I am deficient in Vitamin D. He said most people are who live in this part of world. I live in Illinois, and the windows are GRAY. I have to remember to take care of my physical health. Physical health plays a large part in my mental health.

Remembering the Blue Sky

It's another dreary sky here in the Midwest. I must, must remember that on the other side of the clouds is a blue sky, and the sun is shining. The sun is always there, but hard to see because of the heavy gray, gray clouds.

Target Off My Back

This month I have felt like there is a target on my back. I have been in two different car accidents; neither was my fault. My neck and back ache. I'm dealing with three different insurance companies, one repair shop, one rental car agency, and one doctor.

The second crasher and her friends verbally assaulted me and laughed at my injuries. I yelled back at her and her posse and then burst into tears. Since this scene took place at night in the cold, I felt extra woe some and extra lonely.

The crappy news is that I was alone and lonely. The good news is that I was alone and am still managing to take care of myself by going to the doctor, handling the insurance information, and keeping track of the documentation. I was beginning to wonder if I even need other people (friends, partners, family). Sometimes I feel like saying, "To hell with you all."

I am in the trough of depression - blah.

Tomorrow I have two activities planned: one with a group of friends and another with a therapeutic drummer and certified aromatherapist. I'll be in a drumming circle with nice smelling oils in the room.

I am hoping that by doing these activities tomorrow, a wave will lift me out of the trough and onto it's crest where I WILL STAY.

Angry - Damn the Economy

Last night I became angrier and angrier because the longer I am without a full-time job, I have less and less money. The less money I have the less I can do. But what I am really angry about is that my far-away little ones are growing up, and I haven't been able to fly and visit them. I am angry I am missing their growing-up years.

Also, I am angry I cannot afford to buy a better home computer and the printer/scanner/copier to go with it. I am angry that I cannot afford to move to a better place.

I am angry I can't go on vacation.

Now, what do I do with anger?

Ideally, I take my anger and turn it into energy and start a company that takes off and makes me rich. Yep, I got money on my mind today. In my fantasy, I have the knowledge to do this and the hope that it all works out. At least I can take this anger and apply it to my job search.

You know, I hate my life right now, but I don't hate myself. I see myself as lacking some skills though. There's a fine difference. I am angry because other people have the good life and I do not. Therefore, what can I do to get a good life, to improve my situation?

I already went to college and do have various types of work experiences. Damn the economy!!!

Maybe I shouldn't say that. I think the economy has already been damned. Grow the economy!!!! Let the economy live and flourish!? How's that for positive thinking!

Job Interview Follow-Up

I received a very nice rejection e-mail from my job interview. I kind of figured I would, so I didn't have my heart on the line and am not really disappointed. We never spoke of salary, so I don't know how much money I am not making.

The positive side is that I know I can speak confidently about my experience and my philosophy in this particular field. It was interesting to learn a little about this company and that particular industry. I am telling myself that I should not be afraid of job interviews because that one wasn't scary at all. I do need a job because money is a big problem, rather it is the lack of money that is a big problem.

It would be nice to go on more interviews. Kind of. Okay, I'd rather not go on interviews, but if that is what it takes to get a job then that is what I must do. After all, an interview is just two people checking each other out. I am interviewing them, the company, and its culture as much as they are interviewing me. I wouldn't want to work in a place that isn't a good fit as they say.

I just need one job where I fit, where I can thrive, where I can earn money. Just one.

I felt darn good talking about my accomplishments.
THAT's what I liked about the interview.

Car Crash, Cost of Pain, and HIPAA

Yes, I was in a car crash. Yes, I'm "fine." Not really. I am suffering from whiplash and getting treatment from my chiropractor. I'm not disabled, but I am limited in the activities I can do. I don't have any broken bones. My daily activities are limited though.

A woman backed her truck into my car and give me quite a jolt. A representative from her insurance company (Company P.) came out this morning with some paperwork. Once I am fully recovered, Company P. and I will negotiate the settlement for Inconvenience and Pain. That is on top of Company P. will pay for repairs to my car and my medical treatment and lost wages for the one day I missed work. How much is my pain and inconvenience worth?

When people receive settlements for pain (on top of medical expenses), does it make the person feel better? What about wrongful death claims? On top of money for dependents and burial costs, how much does it cost to get rid of the grief? How much is a life worth? Money doesn't make the person come back.

How much is my inconvenience worth? How much money will it take for my aggravation to go away? Oh, I'm not injured enough or emotionally damaged enough for a million dollar settlement though if they offered it to me, I wouldn't turn it down. I'm reasonable, but I don't want to be taken for a ride either.

Company P. wants me to sign a medical info release form, so they can pay the chiropractor. Okay. But the release gives them rights to any records due to substance abuse, mental health and psychological testing, HIV tests, AIDS tests, and sexually transmitted diseases. I don't think so. I don't have a record of substance abuse, I don't have the HIV virus, I don't have sexually transmitted diseases. However, why should Company P. know that? None of that is relevant to the sore muscles and a few bones out of joint. I'm just going to cross that line out of the form and see what happens.

There may be HIPAA laws, but there really isn't a lot of privacy. Check out  HIPAA.

Found the Hat

I found my hat (in the lost and found box). By the time I found it, I wasn't missing it too much.

Fixation on Missing Hat

I felt a little off center yesterday. It started when I used the lavender scented body scrub in the shower. The smell was a little too chemical-y for me. When I first rec'd this gift, I liked the smell.

Then I did not do my laundry or dishes, so my home was a little too messy. Also, I hadn't gone grocery shopping, so on the way to my part-time job I went through the drive-through and bought a milkshake. Stopping for this purchase made me just a bit late/or just-in- time depending on your point of view. I'm suppose to arrive at work 15 minutes early just in case and to sign-in. I arrived just-in-time to work with the children. The supervisor was frantic on the phone with the director because I had not shown up. Then she saw me, told the director I had arrived, and hung up the phone.

The supervisor told me to call the director later. I didn't call him because I don't feel like hearing him tell me to arrive 15 minutes early. He's such a scatterbrain anyway, I'm hoping he'll forget. Also, I'm annoyed he did send me all the materials I do need. Eventually, I'll need to contact him.

The kids misbehaved and were very snotty and rude. I just don't have the patience for this particular age group.

Afterwards, I was late getting out of there because I had to clean up the materials. So there!

When I stopped for gas, I realized I lost my hat or left my hat behind. Damn! That annoyed me most of all. It's a new hat, and I really, really like it for its warmth and design.

I also drove to a few stores looking for a new hat, but there weren't any I like. Damn again. It was snowing, and the streets were slick.

Once home, I realized I had not had any protein or a real meal all day. Nor did I have anything of substance in the house.

I watched a true life murder story and was glad when I went to bed.

Even though I took my trazadone (sp?), I kept waking up thinking about the damn hat.

This morning, I bought a few groceries and a crappy, cheap new hat.

I feel somewhat better and am trying not to think of missing hat, but am not succeeding. The hat made me happy. It really did. It was warm, comfy, and cute and did not slide off my head. I'm just irritated at self. I hope when I go to the school next week, it'll be in the lost and found box.

I found the phone number of the store and will call to see if they have another they can ship me. Hopefully, I can describe the hat well and they have another in stock.

I can't believe I'm fixated on my $12.50 hat. But, damn, it's cold outside! The wind chill is below zero.

Ever lose something that you just can't get over?? People have lost a lot more, so I shouldn't be upset. But I am upset. It's stupid to be fixated on my hat, but I can't help it.

P.S. I'm not sure why there's a blank space in the photo.

Job Interview Resistance

I had a job interview Thursday morning and did NOT want to go. I thought about calling it off and was looking for ways to rationalize why I canceled the interview just in case anyone asked. Getting out of bed, completing the application, and getting ready was like running in water against a strong gush of wind.

I am so glad I went to the job interview. I felt very comfortable with the hiring manager and very comfortable talking about my experiences. When the interview was over, I was very surprised an entire hour had passed.
This past afternoon I have a great sense of accomplishment and relief. As a plus, the sun came out.

Right now, I am not concerned about getting the job. I am just happy I pushed myself and had a good interview. Sometimes events are better than expected.

And no, I don't look like anyone in the photo. 

Have a Good Day

May your day be filled with a smile, a hug, an encouraging word, a ray of sunshine, a resolution, a solution, wishing you the best today.

And it wouldn't hurt to smile at someone else.

When I've been really down and out and sad, every once in a while I would smile in the mirror just to see if my mouth was capable of smiling.

Daily Anxiety - Cut the Commute

One way I am trying to cut down on future daily anxiety is to have a short commute. I'm looking for a job that is within a reasonable driving distance from my home. Yes, jobs are hard to find, and the unemployed shouldn't be choosy; but I keep looking.

Creating Our Own Anxiety

Today's posting is right out of  Meditations for People Who Worry  (copyright 1996) by Anne Wilson Schaef.

Being Creators Not Victims

"The natural role of twentieth-century man is anxiety." - Norman Mailer

" If anxiety has truly become natural, maybe this should be a clue that it is time to do something differently as we approach the twenty-first century.. . . We have designed our lives and our societies in such a way to make our anxiety our reality.

What good news! If we are the one who have designed our lives and society - constructed the sets and created the drama - then we have the power to change them.

We are not just the victims of our situation. We are the creators of something new."

At this moment I can't think of a change I recently made in my life, but after I get off this computer, I'm going for a walk.

-Lita-

Sleeping is Wonderful

Just because I write this post doesn't mean that I don't want to drop out of my daily life sometimes. Last night I went to bed earlier than I usual. I slept for eight hours straight. I woke up at 7:00 am. Great!

I had a to-do list for this morning, and some of my tasks were to prepare for a job interview tomorrow. I got up at 7:00 and set my timer for 20 minutes because I wanted to do some hand sewing. I like to start the day doing something I like for just a little while. Really, I want to do something I like for the entire day. 

I sewed for 20 minutes until the timer rang.

For another five minutes I sat there on my couch and thought about all my chores planned for this morning.
Ugh.
I also thought about when you go to work, you have to keep your eyes open ALL DAY LONG. Keeping my eyes open all day long sounded miserable. It sounded difficult.

Luckily (or unfortunately) I have a part-time job that I don't need to be at until 2:00 pm.

"Oh, heck," I said to myself, "I can take a 20 minute nap."

I set my timer and fell sideways on my couch.
The timer rang.
"Oh heck," I thought and grabbed my oblong quilted dog pillow. Cuddling the pillow to my chest, I went back to sleep.
About an hour later, I awoke, glanced at my watch, closed my eyes and thought, "I enjoy sleeping so much.
Sleeping is very pleasant. I could sleep all day."

And that is how I spent my morning: sleeping on my couch. It was delicious. 


You know, when I purchased my couch, I made sure it was comfortable to nap on.

I'm dreading my job interview for tomorrow. When I dread something, I get a bit cranky. Besides the stress of the interview, I will have to dress up in a nice outfit and WEAR PANTYHOSE. Ugh.

Why can't I sleep through the interview?

Sweet dreams,

Lita

Tools for Job of Life

"Each is given a bag of tools,
A shapeless mass and a book of rules;
And each must make, ere life is flown,"
A stumbling block or a stepping stone. - R.L. Sharpe

"Who would try to nail boards together without a hammer or change a flat tire with a jack? To deny our need for tools would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? Yet many of us have trouble accepting that we need tools to repair our damaged self-esteem.
. . . .

Why do we resist the idea that spiritual work, like physical work, has its own set of tools? Reading, sharing, praying, attending our support group's meetings - these are the tools that help us do the job. They aren't optional niceties or crutches.
. . . .

My willingness to use the tools determines the outcome of the job."

Today's content comes from Believing in Myself by Larsen & Hegarty.

My words:


Use your tools. 


What is one of your tools?

One of my tools is a walk outdoors.

Worthy Enough - Stop Your Suicide

Once upon a time, my self-esteem was SO low that I felt guilty for taking up space on this earth and breathing the air. Now when I  look back, I see how stupid and irrational that thought was. Hey, I belong here and so do you.

In case you are feeling that crappy, know this:  

You are worthy enough to be alive on this planet.

If you are suicidal, in the U.S, call  1-800-273-8255
1-800-273-TALK 

Visit this website  Suicide Prevention 

Things Change for the Better - Fill Your Mind with Positive Thoughts

"Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope we know it." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"My life is filled with ups and downs. If today is a bad day -or this week is a bad week-I know it's not forever and that I will come through it."

The content for this post is from the book The Daily Book of Positive Quotations by Linda Picone.

I rec'd this book as a Christmas gift from a friend I have not spoken to or seen for years. What a happy surprise for me. About once a year, we have an email exchange. We usually exchange birthday and Christmas cards. We just lost touch. 

I am so grateful for this book.  

Honor and grieve your losses, but fill you mind with positive thoughts.

Happy New Year! It's 2011

Happy New Year! Have Hope. Anything can happen and that means anything good can happen. You can do good too. Plus you can take actions that very well may lead to good results.

What did you learn last year about yourself? What did you learn last year about anything? What problems did you conquer? What problems went away just because time has passed. What days were fun and happy?

Think ahead! Imagine! Daydream! Wish yourself well! Say, "I will . . . "  

Whom are you going to include in your life this year? Whom are you going to spend less time with because they are toxic, rude, disheartening, negative people? 

Best wishes for health, wealth (so you may have the things you need), and healing. And always, I wish you times of contentment, peace, love, beauty, and rolling on the floor laughing.