Partnership with Doctor

Today in my support group we spoke how important it is to speak honestly with our doctor especially if we're skipping our medicine. The doctor is on "our team," but needs the right sports equipment. His equipment is the info we give him regarding compliance and side effects.

Abilify is Buzzing

Last week I went out every evening after work. That's new for me. I even signed up for dance lessons. The side effect is that my nerves are buzzing and I'm shaking, shaking, shaking. On Thursday I saw Dr. Kuo my psychiatrist. He lowered the dosage of my Wellbutrin XL and my Cymbalta. Thank goodness. I will see him once more this month.

I wondered if I could cut my 300 mg of Wellbutrin XL in half since I am now on 150 mg. I called the pharmacists, and she said no. The formula of the XL would be negated and I would experience side effects if I cut it in half. I am so glad I called the pharmacist. I went ahead and had my script filled 150 mg. Call your doctor or pharmacist is you're thinking of messing around with medicine.

Wrapping Paper and Ribbons - Choosing a New Package

On December 23, I had an appointment with Dr. K, my psychiatrist. I told him I was spending Christmas with friends, and I had no expectations. He said one shouldn't have expectations, and that there is too much hoopla ahead of time causing a great build-up. I know Dr. K. is a Christian, and I like the fact that he says there's too much hoopla because that's not the meaning of Christmas. It was the usual seven minute appointment or maybe eight minutes.

My friend drove me to the appointment and noticed there were a lot of people in the waiting room especially in the evening. I told her it was a large practice with several psychiatrists and many, many counselors. People were probably stressed due to the upcoming Christmas. I use to be that way.

On the 24th, I went to Christmas Vigil Mass. That is the real reason for Christmas. Jesus came as promised and gave us everlasting life. No reason to be bummed out about that! It was a joyous experience.

On the 25th I went to my friends' house and laughed and eat all through the day. You see, I finally got the determination and guts to not spend it with my relatives who are often gray and stormy. I decided for one year to buck tradition. I decided to celebrate with friends. All I knew was that there was going to a brunch. Not knowing what to expect, I didn't expect anything.

This Christmas was a world of difference. The people were light after darkness. So refreshed was I by the different venue, the different people (mostly my age), the different food, and different routine that I wanted to . . . well . . . sing. There was a big giant shiny bow around my shiny, merry Christmas Day. And it happened because I chose to try a new experience.

Dropping the Label

For the longest time I had PTSD from a bad crash I suffered when I was twelve. It had a profound negative effect on my life. In my late-20s, my therapist at the time diagnosed me with PTSD. No wonder I was an anxious mess of self-hatred! I read  I Can't Get Over It by Aphrodite Matsakis. It explained A LOT. It just explained about everything. It took another five or six years before I finally met up with a psychiatrist and started taking the necessary medications. But up until the time I met the psychiatrist, I tried every relaxation and coping mechanism out there. They just didn't work, but I did try.

Now that I have been taking meds for ten years now and identified my triggers until I was down to one trigger: I startle, jump, swear, get panicy, get angry with sudden loud noises. A few months ago, I was driving along a busy road when I heard a firecracker go off. BOOM! I was so shocked because I thought my entire village was being bombed that I swerved into the oncoming lane. Thankfully I swerved back into my own lane just as fast before getting into a head-on collision. Whew!

I heard two sudden loud noises in the past two weeks and . . .

I just looked around and wondered, "Hm, wonder what that noise was?"

I did NOT jump, I did NOT startle, I did NOT get scared, I did NOT panic, I did NOT assume the world was ending or that I was in danger. My heart did NOT race. I did NOT get angry.

Am I finally healed from PTSD? I think so. I am going to stop telling people in mental health circles that I have PTSD. Besides I keep getting the initials mixed up: PSDT or PDTS, or PSTD.