Should've Read My Own Blog

and called the Warm Line here in Illinois. I fell into the depression pit. I have been sleeping late, taking naps to escape, crying alone, feeling a sharp pain in my chest, and feeling like stabbing myself.

I didn't stab myself because that sounds darn painful, and I try to avoid pain. Also, it would be bloody mess. Then I would have to call 911 because I would not want to die. And because I don't want to die, I did not try to kill myself.

Really, I wanted to stab myself to destroy myself because I wasn't liking myself that day. I want to change, so I like myself better. I want a different and better life, not the one I am living. I don't like my own reality. How much of my own sucky reality is from bad decisions (and did I know they were bad when I made them?), how much is my personality, and how much is just plain bad luck and the economy?

AAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That was just me screaming out of frustration. 

Another bad thing about being in the depression pit is that I was upset to wake up from my naps.  

Yesterday I managed to go out for a 10 minute walk.  There's hope.

Teacher Salaries

I went to college to become a teacher. It didn't quite work out that way. I worked in corporate American for a number of years, but that didn't work out thanks. I have been trying again to become a teacher. It's not working out this time either.

In Illinois teacher salaries are public record. I depressed myself when I looked up the salaries of my peers who obtained teaching jobs after college graduation and now have tenue. One earns $104,00 a year and the other earns $74,000 a year. I feel like a loser.

Sure, money isn't an indicator of self-worth but it is an indicator on how much you are worth in the marketplace. Right now I'm not worth anything. I am so discouraged and depressed and do not want to live the rest of life in poverty.

Never again do I want to hear my friends complain about how teaching is hard work. I know it is. And they are duly compensated and have job security.

Did I mention life is unfair? It certainly is. And maybe if we internalized that starting in babyhood, we wouldn't be a nation of whiners. Maybe I wouldn't be a whiner. But I am a whiner and hungry and behind on my rent and all that crap. So are a lot of people in America.


I just want to throw rocks through windows and jump up and down and yell and scream and bash things. I want to pay off my debts and not worry about meeting my monthly rent.

You know what. I am no longer going to listen to my teacher friends complain. That's what.

Tools for Job of Life

"Each is given a bag of tools,
A shapeless mass and a book of rules;
And each must make, ere life is flown,"
A stumbling block or a stepping stone. - R.L. Sharpe

"Who would try to nail boards together without a hammer or change a flat tire with a jack? To deny our need for tools would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? Yet many of us have trouble accepting that we need tools to repair our damaged self-esteem.
. . . .

Why do we resist the idea that spiritual work, like physical work, has its own set of tools? Reading, sharing, praying, attending our support group's meetings - these are the tools that help us do the job. They aren't optional niceties or crutches.
. . . .

My willingness to use the tools determines the outcome of the job."

Today's content comes from Believing in Myself by Larsen & Hegarty.

My words:


Use your tools. 


What is one of your tools?

One of my tools is a walk outdoors.

Worthy Enough - Stop Your Suicide

Once upon a time, my self-esteem was SO low that I felt guilty for taking up space on this earth and breathing the air. Now when I  look back, I see how stupid and irrational that thought was. Hey, I belong here and so do you.

In case you are feeling that crappy, know this:  

You are worthy enough to be alive on this planet.

If you are suicidal, in the U.S, call  1-800-273-8255
1-800-273-TALK 

Visit this website  Suicide Prevention