Should've Read My Own Blog

and called the Warm Line here in Illinois. I fell into the depression pit. I have been sleeping late, taking naps to escape, crying alone, feeling a sharp pain in my chest, and feeling like stabbing myself.

I didn't stab myself because that sounds darn painful, and I try to avoid pain. Also, it would be bloody mess. Then I would have to call 911 because I would not want to die. And because I don't want to die, I did not try to kill myself.

Really, I wanted to stab myself to destroy myself because I wasn't liking myself that day. I want to change, so I like myself better. I want a different and better life, not the one I am living. I don't like my own reality. How much of my own sucky reality is from bad decisions (and did I know they were bad when I made them?), how much is my personality, and how much is just plain bad luck and the economy?

AAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That was just me screaming out of frustration. 

Another bad thing about being in the depression pit is that I was upset to wake up from my naps.  

Yesterday I managed to go out for a 10 minute walk.  There's hope.

Fixation on Missing Hat

I felt a little off center yesterday. It started when I used the lavender scented body scrub in the shower. The smell was a little too chemical-y for me. When I first rec'd this gift, I liked the smell.

Then I did not do my laundry or dishes, so my home was a little too messy. Also, I hadn't gone grocery shopping, so on the way to my part-time job I went through the drive-through and bought a milkshake. Stopping for this purchase made me just a bit late/or just-in- time depending on your point of view. I'm suppose to arrive at work 15 minutes early just in case and to sign-in. I arrived just-in-time to work with the children. The supervisor was frantic on the phone with the director because I had not shown up. Then she saw me, told the director I had arrived, and hung up the phone.

The supervisor told me to call the director later. I didn't call him because I don't feel like hearing him tell me to arrive 15 minutes early. He's such a scatterbrain anyway, I'm hoping he'll forget. Also, I'm annoyed he did send me all the materials I do need. Eventually, I'll need to contact him.

The kids misbehaved and were very snotty and rude. I just don't have the patience for this particular age group.

Afterwards, I was late getting out of there because I had to clean up the materials. So there!

When I stopped for gas, I realized I lost my hat or left my hat behind. Damn! That annoyed me most of all. It's a new hat, and I really, really like it for its warmth and design.

I also drove to a few stores looking for a new hat, but there weren't any I like. Damn again. It was snowing, and the streets were slick.

Once home, I realized I had not had any protein or a real meal all day. Nor did I have anything of substance in the house.

I watched a true life murder story and was glad when I went to bed.

Even though I took my trazadone (sp?), I kept waking up thinking about the damn hat.

This morning, I bought a few groceries and a crappy, cheap new hat.

I feel somewhat better and am trying not to think of missing hat, but am not succeeding. The hat made me happy. It really did. It was warm, comfy, and cute and did not slide off my head. I'm just irritated at self. I hope when I go to the school next week, it'll be in the lost and found box.

I found the phone number of the store and will call to see if they have another they can ship me. Hopefully, I can describe the hat well and they have another in stock.

I can't believe I'm fixated on my $12.50 hat. But, damn, it's cold outside! The wind chill is below zero.

Ever lose something that you just can't get over?? People have lost a lot more, so I shouldn't be upset. But I am upset. It's stupid to be fixated on my hat, but I can't help it.

P.S. I'm not sure why there's a blank space in the photo.

Sleeping is Wonderful

Just because I write this post doesn't mean that I don't want to drop out of my daily life sometimes. Last night I went to bed earlier than I usual. I slept for eight hours straight. I woke up at 7:00 am. Great!

I had a to-do list for this morning, and some of my tasks were to prepare for a job interview tomorrow. I got up at 7:00 and set my timer for 20 minutes because I wanted to do some hand sewing. I like to start the day doing something I like for just a little while. Really, I want to do something I like for the entire day. 

I sewed for 20 minutes until the timer rang.

For another five minutes I sat there on my couch and thought about all my chores planned for this morning.
Ugh.
I also thought about when you go to work, you have to keep your eyes open ALL DAY LONG. Keeping my eyes open all day long sounded miserable. It sounded difficult.

Luckily (or unfortunately) I have a part-time job that I don't need to be at until 2:00 pm.

"Oh, heck," I said to myself, "I can take a 20 minute nap."

I set my timer and fell sideways on my couch.
The timer rang.
"Oh heck," I thought and grabbed my oblong quilted dog pillow. Cuddling the pillow to my chest, I went back to sleep.
About an hour later, I awoke, glanced at my watch, closed my eyes and thought, "I enjoy sleeping so much.
Sleeping is very pleasant. I could sleep all day."

And that is how I spent my morning: sleeping on my couch. It was delicious. 


You know, when I purchased my couch, I made sure it was comfortable to nap on.

I'm dreading my job interview for tomorrow. When I dread something, I get a bit cranky. Besides the stress of the interview, I will have to dress up in a nice outfit and WEAR PANTYHOSE. Ugh.

Why can't I sleep through the interview?

Sweet dreams,

Lita

Popping Pills as Prescribed

One obvious way of taking care of yourself is being compliant with your medicine, to take your medicine as it is prescribed. Along with complying, one must remember to refill your prescriptions. Oops. I forgot to do that.

Yesterday morning I told myself to call in a refill for trazodone (sp?), which I take to sleep. One thing I like about it is that it's non-addicting. I called in a refill. But I forgot to pick it up. It was around midnight when I was ready to go to bed. I had been in my pajamas for hours. Since the pharmacy has a drive-thru window, I could have just thrown on some shoes (or even slippers) and a coat and no one would notice the pajamas. But it was cold out. And late.

I went to bed without taking my medicine. Oh did I toss and turn. Then I turned and tossed. Then I dozed. Then I woke up. Dozed. Woke up. I turned some more. Went to the bathroom. I tossed my blankets about. My room was too hot then it was too cold. I fell asleep and woke up with a start for no reason.

Now I feel cranky like a bear with a sore paw. Grrrrrrrrr! Grrrrrrrrr! Writing this I just realized I could have taken some of the OTC melontomin (sp?), which my doctor recommended. Maybe I would have turned a little less and slept a little  more.

It's going to be a long day. But it's only a day.

While it's on your mind, make sure you get your refills filled. Do it now.